


Sinning by Silence

by MCMLXXVIII



Category: Castle (TV 2009)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:33:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26680696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MCMLXXVIII/pseuds/MCMLXXVIII
Summary: Post 47 Seconds AU. Castle leaves and doesn't come back for a year.This fic is dedicated to Valya (@KaticCox) on twitter coz she's the most amazing human.
Relationships: Kate Beckett/Richard Castle
Kudos: 14





	Sinning by Silence

**Author's Note:**

> For Valya

That's what your friend Jessie would call sinning by silence. It's not smart. It's not brave. It’s just cowardly.

His words echo through her mind as Kate Beckett sits in her living room couch with a bottle of wine. How hypocritical coming from him when he basically shut her down when she asked him about what he wanted to tell her after they closed their case. The bombing investigation was extremely difficult to handle. Seeing dead bodies scattered everywhere, burnt or mangled is not really something even a veteran homicide detective is prepared for. 

For Beckett, Castle's interrupted confession became something she looked forward to at the end of the grueling case. For a time, she made herself believe that maybe they can finally talk about the words he said to her when she was lying on the grass as her life bled out of her. It gave her hope, it kept her going. And now, nothing. 

She doesn't understand his sudden coldness towards her. His earlier words come to mind again. Maybe she shouldn't wait for him to come to her. She should come to him. Sinning by silence. It's almost as if he knows that she's keeping from him. Resolved and fueled by half the bottle of wine that she already consumed, she gathers up her jacket and her keys and makes her way to him.

She takes the train-knows she's only looking for trouble if she attempts to drive in her distracted state-and walks the remaining blocks to Castle's loft. The walk might even help sort her thoughts. When she reaches his building, she looks up to see if there are signs of activity in his unit. Finding the living room lights on, she makes her way in, greeting his doorman, who already recognizes her, with a kind smile and wave. 

When she reaches his door, she knocks resolutely, shifting from foot to foot as she listens to the footsteps approaching to open the door. She tries to think of what to say-she didn't really think this through-but, the door immediately opens and she is greeted by Martha, as flamboyant as ever.

“Katherine, darling.” The older woman looks momentarily confused but she recovers quickly and gives Beckett a hug before pulling her inside. “Come in, come in. Sit.”

“Thank you, Martha, but I won't be long.” Kate smiles at her gratefully. “Is Castle here?” 

Martha's face immediately drops at her question which makes Kate furrow her brows. “He didn't tell you?”

“Tell me what?” Kate asks, confused.

“Richard left to go to Las Vegas.” 

“He left?” Suddenly feeling dizzy, Kate walks over to the huge couch and slumps down, Martha following behind.

“He did.” Martha checks her watch. “Maybe an hour or so ago. It's pretty sudden, too. He just came in here, grabbed a bag and told me he's going to Vegas. Silly me even thought that you are going with him and is finally doing something impulsive like get married or something.”

Kate chuckles wistfully. “I wish.”

They are silent for a moment, Kate not knowing what to say next. She can feel the older woman's stare boring through her. It's not judgmental but it's not comfortable either. She now understands how a goldfish feels inside a fish bowl being watched. 

“Do you know when he's coming back?” She asks after a while but Martha only shakes her head.

“I'm sorry, Katherine, but he didn't say.”

Not knowing what else to do, Beckett stands from the couch and thanks the older woman. Ashamed and heartbroken, she runs her way to elevator. When the door finally closes, she allows a couple of tears to fall. What's going on, Castle?

She doesn't know how she got home but she did. When she reaches her room, she picks up the phone that she has forgotten earlier in her haste to go to Castle. Finding his name, she types in a message.

Hey, I heard you're going to Vegas? Sounds fun! You should've told us and we could've made a trip out of it with the boys. 

She hits send before she can overthink it. He'll probably roll his eyes if he sees her message. Kate Beckett taking spontaneous days off of work? Never happened. But for him, she will. If he asked. He pretty much has her wrapped around his finger at this point. 

Flopping down her bed, she lets her thoughts drift to him and the last time they talked. She tries to remember what she did that might make him pull away from her but she comes up blank. Lost in the memories, it's how she falls asleep.

\---

He never replied. It's been a week since Beckett went to Castle's loft and found out he went to Vegas. It's also been a week since she sent him a message and he never replied.

She doesn't allow herself to dwell on it. A new case arrived at their doorstep which brought a Scotland Yard detective to help them. 

He’s nice, he’s incredibly good looking and his accent is definitely hot. He’s the kind of guy Kate Beckett knows she can find herself being attracted to and he's been giving her advances. But, still swimming in her regrets with Castle, she turns him down.

When a month has passed and there’s still no word from him, she resorts to stalking his fan sites like an obsessed fan. She doesn't like it, she certainly isn't proud of it, but she can't help herself either. He hasn't made any attempt to contact her or the boys and she just wants to know how he’s doing. The post from fans about his apparently unprompted book tour around the US is her only assurance that he's still alive. 

After three months, she's coping well with his absence. Or so she thinks. 

A picture of him comes out on page six with a beautiful blonde hanging off his arm. She sees it while she is waiting for an interview with Esposito and she has to excuse herself to the bathroom to try to get herself together. When she comes back, Esposito is looking at her with worried eyes. He doesn't say anything but she knows that he is aware of what she's feeling and it's only a matter of time until he breaks that silence.

\---

She tries to get herself back on the market, so to speak. It's been a year since Castle last visited them at the precinct and she has finally come to terms with it. She told Lanie about how she feels and the other woman asking her, “What did you expect? For him to wait forever?” felt like she was doused with ice cold water. She cried to her about it that night, told the boys that she's okay and that was it. 

She's on her weekly night out with Lanie when she actually bumps into a familiar woman. She can't quite remember who she is but Kate knows she's seen her before. It's not until she sees who the woman is with that she realizes who she is.

“Shit. Shit. Lanie, let's go.” She grabs her friend’s arms and basically drags her out the door.

“What are you doing?” Lanie hisses, purposefully digging her feet to slow her panicking friend down.

Kate doesn't say anything, just pulls her out of the bar they're at until they are outside her parked car.

“What was that about?” With hands on her hips, Lanie stares her down. For such a small woman, she can be quite scary. And of the two of them, she's not even the one who carries a gun.

“It’s Castle!”

“What? In there?” Surprised, Lanie looks back to the doors of the building as if she can magically see him through its walls.

Beckett nods. Unlocking her car, she gets in the driver seat and slams the door. Lanie follows her motion, entering the passenger side but much more gently. 

“I thought, I was over him, Lanie.” She tells her friend, blinking back the tears that threaten to fall. “It’s been over a year and we were not even together but- I just wish I knew what I did, you know?”

Lanie runs a comforting hand on Beckett's shoulder. She lets her continue.

“I just wish we had that closure so I wouldn't be this mess when we finally meet again.”

\---

That incident never happened again. After accidentally seeing Castle in the bar they were frequenting, Beckett just stops going altogether. Lanie tries convincing her again but she refuses.

“It’s just not for me.” She tells her friend. 

Thankfully, she doesn't push any further.

\---

Her days have been pretty mundane over the past year. Investigating murder is never easy. Having someone like Castle around has lessened the emotional burden. His ever exuberant personality, never failing to bring light to their heavy days. Without him and his random bursts of crazy ideas, everything is pretty much routine.

She spends most of her day at the precinct or outside chasing leads. By the time she gets home, she's already too tired that she can't do anything else but sleep. 

She lost a significant amount of weight, she can tell when she looks at herself at the mirror, but she brushes it off. She only gained weight before because of Castle constantly supplying her coffee and food anyway.

Annoyed at how her thoughts eventually still circles back to Castle, she puts down the menu she is holding and just orders the first dish she sees.

“Have you eaten here before?” A voice speaks in front of her and she startles. Right. She’s forgotten he's actually there. 

It's the first date she's been in for so long and she has to say, her communication skills doesn't really have a good rep. Darrel… Darren? Damian? She can't even remember his name anymore seems perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong that she can find in him, really. He's nice, he's smart, he's super handsome. She just hopes she doesn't do anything to screw it up.

The night goes by quite nicely. Dinner is filled with flowing conversation. Somewhere in it, she finds out that his name is actually Damian and that his mom affectionately calls him “Dam Dam” which she finds cute. She didn't really have high hopes coming in but now, she's glad of how it turned out. 

Buzzed by the wine and the good company, Kate invites him in for a nightcap at her apartment. His arm is wrapped around her as they enter her apartment lobby and he's telling her a joke that actually makes her laugh.

She's so caught up with his stories that she almost collides with someone as they enter the elevator. 

“Oh, I'm sorr-” Her words die in her mouth when she recognizes the person she has collided with. Completely flabbergasted, it takes her a moment to realize that the elevator doors are closing and so, quickly, she reaches out a hand to trigger the doors back open.

“Kate?” Damien stands confused beside her. 

“Can you just wait a sec?” She tells him before going out the elevator to approach her unexpected guest.

“Castle, what are you doing here?” He's shifting from foot to foot like an unsure little boy, waiting for his mom to reprimand him.

“I was hoping that we could talk.” His eyes travel from her to her company and she tries to read what he's thinking but his eyes are impassible.

“Isn’t it a year too late for that, Castle?” Her nose flares in annoyance. Really, Castle? Just when she's finally starting to get back on her feet?

“That’s grand coming from you.” He spits back, his voice a low growl of anger that makes her stagger back.

She looks around, sees the lobby empty save for the three of them. Shit, three. Damian. She turns to her date who is watching them with unconcealed interest, then turns back to Castle.

No. She is not letting herself be weak for him again. 

“Now’s not a really good time.” She tells Castle who nods in understanding. 

“I’ll call you.” Giving her and Damian a final onceover, he walks out before she can respond.

The mood is considerably ruined. Her energy draining out of her the moment she steps through her door. She walks directly to her pantry to grab a bottle of whiskey and just drinks it straight from the bottle. Seeing Damian just standing there, watching her, she offers him the bottle which he refuses. 

“Who was he?” He asks, taking a seat in one of her barstools.

She takes another swig. “An old friend.”

“Didn’t seem like it.” Annoyed at his nosiness, she huffs, walking off to sit on her couch.

“I’m sorry but I’m kind of not feeling well.” She tells him.

It's a flimsy excuse, one she knows that her date can immediately see right through but he doesn't say anything. She doesn't have the strength to deal with anything more tonight anyway. 

Standing up from his seat, Damian faces her. “I hope you get to fix whatever it is you have with your friend because I don't know him and I don’t even really know you that much but I can tell from that brief exchange that you're both not okay.”

She looks up to him in horror. Were they being that obvious? Great. Another good potential ruined. Thank you, universe! Dammit, Castle, you have the worst timing.

When she remains silent, Damian continues. “You seem like an amazing woman, Kate. And I really like you. I would have loved to see you again and see where this will take us. But, I can also see that your heart is somewhere else. And pursuing this will just be fooling ourselves because we both know I will never be him.” 

Reproached, Beckett doesn't say anything. She hangs her head and plays with the hem of her shirt which she suddenly finds interesting. The sound of the door opening and closing is her only sign that her companion has finally left.

Alone again, she ditches the rest of the bottle she's holding and cries herself to sleep.

She wakes up to a text from Castle the next morning.

Wanna go get coffee?

She stares at the screen for so long, contemplating, unsure of what to do. How can he just message her like that and act like the past year never happened? Deciding that the best way to deal with it is to basically just rip off the bandage so she can get on with her life, she texts him back an affirmative.

She goes there early, making sure that she can get comfortable with the place before he arrives. She has never been there before and she's thankful for that. It's better to deal with this in a place that doesn't remind them of their time together. She takes a corner booth by the window and takes the opportunity to scan the place as she waits for him. It looks old, but not in a bad way, just that it has a story to tell. Castle's good with finding places like that. 

“Hey.” His voice interrupts her thoughts as he takes the seat across from her. She checks her watch and she realizes that she's only been there for a couple of minutes. He's early, too.

“Hi.” She greets him awkwardly, avoiding his gaze. A waitress chooses that moment to approach their table momentarily distracting the two of them.

They engage in small talk after that, talking about the weather, his work, her work, but the tension is thick and their laughs are half-hearted. Even their silence is uncomfortable and they both know that it's just going to be awkward unless they address the elephant in the room.

“I’m sorry I left without saying anything.” He speaks first, surprising her. “I did the same thing that made me mad at you. I ran away from it and it didn't solve anything.”

“What happened, Castle?”

He rests both his arms at the table, sweeping his now empty coffee mug to the side. He leans forward as if he's about to tell her a secret. 

“I heard you. When you were talking with Bobby at the interrogation.” 

She feels lost. “What about it?”

He scowls, his face now the epitome of concealed anger. “You heard me.”

When she still doesn't say anything, he elaborates. “The day you got shot at Montgomery's funeral. I told you I loved you and you said you didn't remember. You lied.”

He ripped off the band-aid alright. She flinches back as if burned. That hit the mark, didn't it? Well, she's been wanting to come clean with him about this anyway. She knows she can't keep it a secret forever, but she also knows that that wasn't how she wanted him find out. 

“I’m sorry, Castle.” She searches his eyes, still the bluest of blue, with all his emotions in full view over it. “You shouldn't have to find out that way.”

“Didn't I deserve to know about it, Kate?” His voice raises a bit, catching the attention of a few people nearby. Composing himself, he continues. “Didn’t I deserve to hear the truth from you? Or was it all just a game to you? Let's string poor ole Castle along because he'll follow you anywhere like a lost puppy?”

“What are you talking about? I know I should've told you, you deserve that, and I was planning to! I was going to tell you after we closed the bombing case but you left.” She breathes, she can feel her heartbeat speeding up, every pump an echo of drums resounding in her ears. 

“I know I was wrong and I apologize but how dare you accuse me of stringing you along? Do you even know me? Do you really think I would do that?” She hisses. There are still eyes curiously flicking up to them and she regrets ever agreeing to meet in such a public place. But they are here now and if they have to hash it out publicly to fix this, she'll have it.

“I don't know.” He hangs his head.

“Don’t know what?”

“I don't know if I still know you or if I ever did.”

His words hit her like a freight train. What the heck, Castle?

“Are you kidding me?” She spits out, incredulous. “Four years of the two of us working together side by side and you think I was faking it the whole time? I can't believe you.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what do you mean, Castle? Because right now, I feel like if that's how you think of me, it's better that we just don't fix this anymore, at all.”

“No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.” He meets her eyes again. “I trust you, Beckett. I know you lied to me about that but God help me I still trust you with my life.” He looks at her, hoping she can see the sincerity in his eyes. “It's just that when I heard you, I was so consumed by anger. I felt so betrayed. And obviously, I didn't think it through when I left.”

“You should've came to me.” Drained from all the different emotions going through her, she leans back on her seat. Head thrown back to stare at the ceiling, she heaves a sigh. 

After a few minutes, she straightens up to stare back at him. 

“I’m sorry, Castle, for lying.” She starts again.

“Why’d you do it?” 

“I guess, the same as you. I didn't think you meant it at the time.”

“We're quite a pair, aren't we?” He smiles sadly. 

“Did you mean it?”

His eyes bore through her. “I still do.”

They remain silent for a while, just looking at each other, contemplating. 

“We're really bad at this conversation thing.” She's the one to break the silence, giving him a small smile.

“Yeah.” He chuckles. “For someone who works with words for a living, I do tend to lose them when it counts.”

“Do you think we can fix this?” She asks, genuinely afraid that they would just end up screwing it up again.

“I think the only way to know is to try.”

They still have a lot to talk about, they both know that. But, in her line of work, she can see how fragile life is and how easily it can be taken away. They've already wasted a year not communicating and call her easy but she thinks they both deserve to try. They owe it to themselves to give them a chance to explore what they have. It might not be perfect, they might be starting off uncertain, but it's still a start.

They finish the rest of their food and coffee in silence, completely unlike how it is just a few minutes ago. Crazy how things change with just one conversation. 

She steals glances at him, still not quite believing that they're here, and she catches him staring back at her a couple of times. 

Love really does make smart people do dumb and crazy things, doesn't it?

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for all the mistakes. I'm a bit rusty and quite honestly not even that good but I still hope you liked it.


End file.
